


wishin' that someone would film the way i'm looking at you right now

by joongsfavedenim



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Eventual Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Depression/Anxiety, Pining, Slow Burn, all the tagged characters will show up at some point, also i dont want to spoil everything, hendery x winwin crumbs, im bad at tagging, johnny x jaehyun crumbs, probably more relationships but they are very much secondary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:54:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29568498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joongsfavedenim/pseuds/joongsfavedenim
Summary: YangYang isn't used to seeing Ten in such a vulnerable state, much less used to being the one to offer comfort. At some point during his efforts to cheer Ten up following a messy breakup, YangYang's admiration for him shifts to something new.Ten is simultaneously sick of being babied by his friends and desperate for the softness of his past relationship. He feels unbalanced, and is developing a bad habit of using people to get what he craves.OrTwo room mates who don't really know one other that well have to decide what they mean to each other.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Liu Yang Yang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	1. one. // yangyang.

**Author's Note:**

> hi ~ i'm not sure how many parts this will be, i have a general idea of where it's going, i just don't know how long it will take me to get there, lol. anyway, this has been my baby for the past few months, please be gentle with her! for right now, i'm going to try and commit to uploading every friday - i'll let you guys know if anything changes. lastly, the title is lyrics from the song i listened to over and over again while planning this story, Dione by The Japanese House. eventually, i plan to have a whole playlist for this fic which i will link at some point. ok i will stop rambling now and let you get to reading! xoxo

Ten cried a lot. Like a lot. 

Not that YangYang saw that as a bad thing, really. Just, YangYang wondered how someone could have the amount of fluids needed to produce that many tears.

Ten cried at videos of stray kittens getting cleaned up and adopted. He cried when something unfortunate happened to one of their friends. He cried when he accidentally broke the mug that YangYang’s mother had shipped to him in a care package from overseas. He just cried a lot.

When YangYang first moved in a few weeks ago, he assumed it was something he just didn’t know about Ten. Something that Ten kept private and indulged in while he was in his own space. But after Kunhang mentioned a semi-recent breakup at the gym the other week, YangYang was beginning to suspect that perhaps Ten was just - sad. Feeling vulnerable. A broken heart made more sense to YangYang. The overly emotional, cry-baby Ten was very much at odds with the strong and confident, older brother figure he had come to know over the past year. 

Moments ago, Ten had knocked on YangYang’s door to return the formerly cracked coffee cup. Though YangYang had insisted that the cheesy Tokyo gift shop mug was just that, a cheesy gift shop mug, Ten had still gone through the trouble of ordering food-safe super glue and reattaching the handle. It was sitting on YangYang’s desk now. It looked awful, but the gesture was incredibly sweet.

When he dropped the mug off, Ten had a ratty fleece blanket wrapped around his shoulders and his round glasses were barely hanging on to his slender nose. YangYang even noticed that his skin looked dry, and YangYang didn’t tend to notice things like that. The magnetic pull normally present in Ten’s eyes wasn’t there, convincing YangYang to spare him from the Professor McGonagall comments he would otherwise make when Ten wore those spectacles.

YangYang was only good at cheering people up when they needed a fire TikTok compilation or wanted to indulge in roasting a mutually hated party. But Ten was important, and way past the point where a great meme would help. YangYang needed assistance. Back-up, if you will. 

**yangie** (3:32pm) **:** i think tenge is rly sad™

**kunhang~** (4:03pm) **:** sksksks no shit

**yangie** (4:03pm) **:** *yikes reaction meme*

**kunghang~** (4:04pm) **:** sorry lol. i mean yeah, i dont know many of the details but i think the breakup was pretty rough.

**yangie** (4:07pm) **:** that fucking sucks  
**yangie** (4:07pm): whos known him the longest? Kun?

**kunghang~** (4:08pm): umm i think taeil actually. they have mutual friends from forever ago.

**yangie** (4:11pm): dinosaurs  
**yangie** (4:11pm): ugh actually i should be nice  
**yangie** (4:12pm): i want to cheer him up  
**yangie** (4:13pm): wait do u think winwin knows anything? i rly want the ten breakup tea :(

**kunhang~** (4:15pm): i can ask him next time we facetime i guess  
**kunhang~** (4:16pm): but you know how ~*~cryptic~*~ he is

**yangie** (4:16pm): promise him a ft striptease or sumn  
**yangie** (4:16pm): problem solved

**kunhang~** (4:18pm): sir—

**yangie** (4:19pm): u should kno how to bribe your boyfriend by now. get me the tea!!!

**kunhang~** (4:22pm): i’ll do what I can  
**kunhang~** (4:23pm): but i shan’t be discussing the particulars on how i come by the information with you

**yangie** (4:26pm): thank u  
**yangie** (4:26pm): i def don’t wanna hear abt y’alls international sexcapades  
**yangie** (4:27pm): or ur domestic ones either when he’s back in town   
**yangie** (4:28pm): anyway back to making ten happy

**kunhang~** (4:31pm): you know all you have to do is like make him tea or something

**yangie** (4:32pm): he’ll cry! he’ll call me baby yangyang n burst into tears

**kunhang~** (4:37pm): saljslajd fair. don’t wanna make it worse  
**kunhang~** (4:37pm): hmm maybe like a hike or something? fresh air to clear his head

**yangie** (4:40pm): ew, nature.  
**yangie** (4:41pm): but yeah seems like something he would be into. i will take one for the team

**kunhang~** (4:45pm): it can be like a group thing if u want so its less awkward

**yangie** (4:46pm): ok that could be cool  
**yangie** (4:46pm): i’ll talk to him about it and then maybe you could ask taeil to come too?

**kunhang~** (4:47pm): and not me? lol ok

**yangie** (4:49pm): *eyeroll reaction meme*  
**yangie** (4:49pm): obviously i meant you come too, dummy

**kunghang~** (4:50pm): you know, it would take about the same time to find an actual meme as it would to type out the words *_______ reaction meme*

**yangie** (4:52pm): too lazy to look

**kunhang~** (4:53pm): u could also use the fckn eyeroll emoji. it’s right there

**yangie** (4:53pm): yangyang has left the chat

**kunhang~** (4:54pm): eye—

As he tossed his phone onto his mattress, YangYang’s eyes fell on the coffee mug again. The bottom line, in his mind, was that Ten was kind and generous. He didn’t deserve to have a rain cloud of sadness looming over him all the time. YangYang knew he alone couldn’t make the storm pass, but he could at least sit with Ten in the rain.

“Gege,” YangYang called, rapping on Ten’s bedroom door a few times. A grunt of affirmation answered, so YangYang poked his head inside. “Whatcha up to?”

“Fuck,” Ten muttered. He was seated in the middle of his bed, a mess of blankets and pillows crowding his space. “If I poke myself one more time, I’m throwing the whole shirt in the trash.” YangYang glanced at the tangle of fabric in Ten’s lap and watched as Ten dragged a needle and thread through one of the seams. “Sorry, baby YangYang,” he sighed, not looking up. “Give me one second.”

YangYang pushed the door in gently, leaning against the open frame as Ten worked silently. A few moments later, Ten cursed again and tossed the shirt into a pile of clothing that was spilling out of the closet. 

“I was going to come ask if you wanted a break from whatever it was you’re doing…” YangYang said tentatively.

“God, please,” Ten responded. He pulled his glasses off and rubbed his face with his hands, massaging his temples. “Got in over my head with that project.” He pulled his legs into his chest, resting his chin on top of his knees. Ten’s hair was a little disheveled and the tip of his nose was pink. YangYang thought he looked incredibly small like that.

“You can come like, all the way in.” Ten’s tone was slightly pouty and that was all the invitation YangYang needed to jump up onto the bed. “What’d you have in mind for distractions, baby sheep?”

Rearranging a few pillows, YangYang splayed himself out next to Ten. This mattress was so much cushier than his own, and suddenly, he wanted to fall asleep. “Whatever you want, gege.”

“You don’t have homework?”

YangYang groaned, pulling a pillow over his head. “I don’t like this Ten. I like lazy Ten.”

Ten giggled, reaching under the pillow to tug YangYang’s ear. YangYang flinched, pushing himself away. “I have to at least  _ pretend _ to parent you a little bit sometimes,” Ten teased. “I am, in fact older, and therefore far wiser.”

“Didn’t I hear you ask Taeil what a walrus was the other day?”

There was a breath of quiet, then the pillow was roughly snatched from YangYang’s grasp. “You’re such a little brat!” Ten wailed. He began hitting YangYang with the pillow, screeching at him between blows. “As a fellow multilingual individual - I should think - you would have some -  _ compassion _ \- for me not knowing - all my vocabulary words - all the time!”

YangYang rolled back and forth, trying to shield his body from Ten’s attacks. The more he giggled, the harder Ten smacked him. After a few moments, they both stopped moving, breathing deeply. 

“Damn, you needed to let off some steam, huh?” YangYang ventured, peeking out from behind his forearms.

“Maybe,” Ten sighed, leaning back and flopping onto the bed.

YangYang lowered his arms further, resting them on the bed as he twisted to get a closer look at Ten. In the moments before YangYang spoke, it seemed he was seeing the raw Ten - a kind of lost and numb Ten. Then YangYang asked,  _ ‘are you okay?’ _ and a strange, half-happiness rushed back into Ten’s body. He answered with a quick,  _ ‘of course, baby,’ _ and pinched YangYang’s cheek in that belittling, yet fond way. 

They bickered about which drama to put on while they waited for their take-away order to arrive and, as discreetly as possible, YangYang let Ten win the argument. The glint of satisfaction in Ten’s eyes was worth the smug attitude of his that YangYang would be forced to endure. 

As YangYang shoveled fried rice into his mouth, sitting cross legged atop Ten’s bed, his phone sounded from the other room. 

“Be right back,” he announced, crawling to the edge of the bed. 

Ten nearly choked on his own food as he jumped to protest, “This is such an intense scene! How are you not invested?”

YangYang giggled in response as he retrieved his phone. 

**kunhang~** (9:12pm): taeil says yes on the hiking - I’m such a genius 

**yangie** (9:14pm): im ignoring the second part  
**yangie** (9:14pm): when are we going?

As he typed, he could hear Ten cursing at the characters on screen, informing them the decisions they were making were quote,  _ ‘super dumb’ _ . 

**kunhang~** (9:15pm): taeil doesn’t work weekends so ask tenge if he wants to go sat. or sun. 

**yangie** (9:16pm): dope, thank u!!!  
**yangie** (9:16pm): also do u wanna climb after class tmrw?

**kunhang~** (9:17pm): yes pls 😘

**yangie** (9:17pm): gross lol. see u then 😘

He ignored the follow-up notifications of Kunhang keyboard smashing in response to YangYang’s purposely annoying texting habits. “Taeil wants to go on a hike this weekend,” YangYang stated simply, plopping himself back down next to Ten. “Saturday or Sunday?”

“Mm, Saturday’s good,” Ten answered, distracted. His eyes were still zeroed in on his laptop screen, watching more of the drama unfold. YangYang thought it was just as well, Ten being preoccupied so that he wouldn’t ask prying questions about their plans. YangYang really didn’t want to end up informing him that  _ ‘all your friends are really worried about you and have resorted to arranging hang-outs to make sure you’re not spending too much time alone.’  _ He imagined that wouldn’t be an especially fun thing to hear. 

He let Ten tear through another three episodes of the drama as they lounged together. Ten had propped his laptop up on a pillow in between their bodies and, progressively, their heads were tilting closer and closer together. YangYang was starting to drift off near the end of episode four when Ten tried to adjust his position and cracked their foreheads together. 

All YangYang could do was take a sharp inhale, his body stiffening suddenly from the pain. 

“Baby YangYang,” Ten whispered, tone horrified. “Oh, I’m so sorry, you poor little thing.”

“‘S okay,” YangYang hissed. He willed his muscles to relax, softening into the pillows. “Your head is…”

“I know - it’s very hard,” Ten agreed. 

There was the soft tickle of Ten’s fingers swiping YangYang’s bangs aside gently. “I don’t see a bruise or anything,” he said. “I’m so sorry.” YangYang felt the outline of Ten’s lips on the crown of his head briefly as the elder placed a tender kiss there. The warmth of the gesture trickled down YangYang’s spine and settled comfortably in his chest. 

He felt validated. It was just like he thought: Ten was kind. And YangYang was going to make everything better. Or at least kick his own ass trying. 

//

“So,” YangYang sighed, collapsing onto the mat next to Kunhang. “What’d you find out?”

Kunghang grimaced, gingerly prodding at the reddened skin on his palms. “That V-3 fucked up my hands. They should change the level on that route, it’s way too hard to be a - ”

“Yeah, yeah, you got some new blisters,” YangYang huffed impatiently. Kunhang wrinkled his brow, shooting YangYang an indignant look, as YangYang continued to pester. “Tell me already.”

“What’s got you so interested in Ten-ge’s love life?”

YangYang produced a dramatic groan, one of his specialties as the youngest in the friend group. “Like you don’t fucking love gossip as much as the next idiot?” Kunhang was still giving him a questioning look, so YangYang rambled on. “Everyone always says they’re not a gossip or they don’t talk about people behind their backs...but secretly everyone loves secrets and they’re just too afraid to admit it.”

His companion stood up uneasily, avoiding putting weight on his blisters. “You could work on your phrasing some,” Kunhang said casually over his shoulder. YangYang scurried to his feet to follow after him. “But your little speech was almost convincing.”

“Speech?” YangYang sputtered, trotting inside the locker room on Kunghang’s heels.

YangYang studied the older man’s expression, standing by awkwardly as Kunhang dug around in the front compartment of his climbing bag. There was a subtle glint in Kunhang’s eyes as he said, “I don’t know...you just seem really -  _ concerned _ , about Ten.”

“Ew,” YangYang said, perhaps a little too aggressively judging by Kunhang’s burst of laughter. Then, more honestly, tried to reason his way out of the hole he found himself in. “Dude, I would tell you if I liked Ten, though. I can’t keep anything secret, I would have already told you, dumbass.”

“Hm,” Kunhang mused. He turned away to give his attention to wrapping his palm in medical tape. “Maybe you  _ did _ just tell me,” he mumbled.

“I’m - ” YangYang gritted his teeth. He felt frustration growing and he thoroughly wished that wasn’t the case. There was no reason to be upset - this is how he and Kunhang played with each other all the time. He took a deep breath. It had been ages since he’d eaten. He was just hungry.  _ That’s all _ , he assured himself.  _ You’re just hungry _ . “Never mind,” he said after a moment.

“I’m kidding, Yang.” Everything about Kunhang had softened when YangYang glanced over at him. “I swear I’m just kidding.”

YangYang sent him a half-smile, an empty chuckle falling out. “I know. Sorry.” He reached inside his own locker, suddenly realizing how dry his hands felt from all the chalk. And how wrecked his muscles were feeling after pushing himself on more advanced climbing routes tonight. No wonder he was moody. “You wanna go eat?”

Kunhang considered him for a brief moment before YangYang added, “I’ll stop being annoying.” He topped off his promise with a wide grin, earning a laugh from Kunhang.

Half an hour later, YangYang practically moaned, “God  _ damn _ ,” after the first bite of his burger.

“See?” Kunhang smirked, pulling into an empty parking space in the restaurant lot. “I told you it was fucking good. You were all  _ ‘Gege, that’s not even a real burger if it’s made of plants, that sounds disgusting, blah blah blah,’  _ and now here you are - ”

“I  _ know _ !” YangYang cried, mouth full. “I’m this burger’s bitch. Now please shut up, I’m having a moment.”

Kunhang turned his car off and fished his own veggie burger out of the paper bag. They ate without words, demolishing their food in just a few minutes.

“I’ve reached Nirvana,” Kunhang sighed, stretching in his seat.

YangYang answered with a sleepy, “Same.”

“Now,” Kunhang remarked, tone shifting. “I  _ did _ manage to get some details from Winwin.”

Content and with his hunger sated, YangYang’s head suddenly felt too heavy to hold up on his own. He crossed his arms snugly around himself and let his head fall back against the seat. “Why does he go by Winwin?”

“I - it’s something from high school, apparently,” Kunhang answered, confused. “I don’t remember the story. Do you wanna know this shit or not? You were so ready to have tea time earlier.”

“Duh, I wanna know. I just wanted to ask about the name thing before I forgot again.”

He heard Kunhang make a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. “I’m not letting you go that long without eating again. You’re like high from that burger.”

“I’m probably just overtired,” YangYang whined. “We climbed for almost three hours, dumbass.” He sent a half-hearted smack in Kunhang’s direction, sending them into a quiet fit of giggles together. “Okay, please, though.” YangYang settled back into his seat, gazing through the windshield at the few stars that were visible through the city’s light pollution. “Tell me the things.”

“There’s not really even that much to tell,” Kunhang started, leaning back in his own seat. “Winwin says that Ten and his ex kept a lot of what happened under wraps. He said it was like no one even knew they were fighting or having problems.

“Anyway, Ten and this guy, Taeyong, started dating like, part of the way through college. They were all in the same friend group - Winwin, Taeil, Jaehyun, all those guys. I think Taeyong climbed some too, but not as much as the other guys so that’s why we’ve never met him. I heard the other guys talk about him before, when they were still together, but I was kinda distracted by Winwin for a while there...”

“You guys are gross and in love. Does Taeyong still hang out with the others?” YangYang asked, curious.

“Winwin is pretty sure that Jaehyun still sees him from time to time. But, basically, they were all really close and like tight-knit, so when the breakup happened, Ten gave them hardly any details so that they wouldn’t feel like they had to pick sides.”

“Kinda seems like they all picked Ten’s side, anyway.”

“I guess,” Kunghang agreed. “But apparently Ten hasn’t been the only one isolating. Winwin has a theory that the breakup was mostly Taeyong’s doing, so now he’s punishing himself and not spending time with anyone.”

“Oh.” YangYang wasn’t sure how to feel about that bit. Naturally, he wanted to hate the guy, having seen the aftermath of the breakup firsthand. He thought about all the times he’d caught Ten hurriedly drying his eyes when YangYang walked into the room. YangYang had been ready to fight the person responsible, and part of him disliked hearing humanizing, relatable things about Taeyong.

“But, yeah.” Kunhang’s voice jolted YangYang back into the conversation. “That’s about all there is to the story, apparently.”

“Poor Ten,” was all YangYang could find to say.

“Seriously, though.” Kunhang took a lengthy swig of the soda they’d gotten with their food before putting the key into the ignition. “Imagine being so close with all your friends like that and being so interconnected with everyone. It’s like - what the fuck do you do when you lose part of the group dynamic that made it what it was… like at its core?”

YangYang stared out the window, watching neon storefronts pass as they cut through downtown. He let his forehead rest against the cool glass and his eyes gradually went out of focus as he thought. “I wish I knew Ten better before everything happened. Then, it’s like - maybe we would know more about how to help. How to be comforting, ya know?”

“If it makes you feel better,” Kunhang commiserated, “It seems like no one really knows how to help.” YangYang sighed, feeling utterly useless as Kunhang kept speaking. “But maybe it’s just the kind of thing Ten has to work out on his own. And all we can really do is be there. Be cheerful distractions.”

“Maybe…” YangYang muttered. Kunhang’s turn signal was on as they waited to go left at a busy intersection. The sound echoed in YangYang’s mind, and he made up little tunes to go along with the rhythmic  _ click click _ noise. Too burnt out to give much more thought to everything, he let himself drift off in the passenger seat, dozing to the sounds of the car. The streets. The city. The night. 


	2. two. // yangyang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, all! sorry that i'm updating later in the day - if anyone is even looking for updates currently, lol. anyway, i hope this finds you all well! please leave comments or reactions if you're enjoying yourself! xo.

Saturday came, but they never made it to the hiking trail. By the time Taeil had arrived, Kunhang was cracking open second beers for Ten, YangYang, and himself, and they all decided that sitting on their asses in the living room was far preferable. 

Ten must be a lightweight, YanYang observed, because, after his third beer, he was begging Taeil to invite over practically everyone they’ve ever met through the climbing gym. “Hyung! Text Jaehyunnie, please!” 

“There’s going to be no space left in our apartment if you get your way,” YangYang choked out through a laugh, the acidity of the beer slightly stinging the back of his throat. 

Ten’s eyes lit up from where he was half-perched in Taeil’s lap on the floor. “Then we’ll go out!”

“Out?” Taeil chuckled good-naturedly, sipping on his drink casually. “We couldn’t even get motivated to go for a short walk, how are you gonna convince - ”

“Please!” Ten slid from Taeil’s thigh to the carpet and began shaking him gently. “I’m not above begging,” he added with a pout. 

“You really wanna go out? Like - to the club - out?” Kunhang looked from YangYang to Taeil carefully, gauging their reactions as he addressed Ten. The three of them attempted to silently communicate whether they thought it was a good idea or not. But Ten was too perceptive.

“Don’t - what is this?” Ten pointed an accusatory finger at each of them. “Don’t treat me like I’m a child.”

“It’s just that we’re w- ”

Ten cut Kunhang off promptly. “I’m fine.” As if to illustrate his point he sat up a little straighter, resting his hands lightly on his thighs. “Sometimes, yes, I’m sad from the breakup - ” YangYang averted his eyes, pretending the label of his beer bottle was very interesting. This was the first time he had heard Ten address his heartbreak directly. “ - but honestly, I’m okay.”

The room was still for a moment, everyone deep inside their own thoughts. Then, behind Ten, Taeil huffed out a quiet sigh. “But what will I wear?”

Ten screeched delightedly. “Hyungie, you’re the best!”

“I was serious, though,” Taeil lamented, voice muffled by the enthusiastic bear hug Ten had him wrapped in. “I can’t wear my - what do you call this Tennie? Athleisure? To the club.”

“Wait, where are we actually going?” YangYang asked, leaning forward on the couch, small butterflies making an appearance in his belly. 

YangYang hadn’t been ‘out’ much in the dancing-drinking-bar-hopping sense of the word. For his first two years of university, he had lived in the dorms and gotten stuck with a parade of randomly assigned roommates. Sure, Xiaojun and Donghyuck did their best to text and call when they could, but hometown friends didn’t feel the same when YangYang was across state lines. It wasn’t until he took a climbing course during the second semester of his sophomore year that he had been able to forge any true bonds of friendship. Kunhang, social butterfly and rock gym rat that he is, convinced YangYang to keep climbing even after the class was finished. So now, here YangYang was, a year and some change later, with an eclectic mix of friends of all ages and backgrounds. 

But socializing with avid climbers doesn’t necessarily translate to confidence in other areas. Namely clubbing. YangYang’s palms were starting to sweat. 

“That’s probably Ten-gē’s area of expertise,” Kunhang said with a wink directed at the older man. “Especially since he’s the one  _ begging _ to go out.” He punctuated the phrase by squishing Ten’s cheeks. 

Ten waved Kunhang off immediately, squawking about respect for one’s elders, but YangYang thought he looked cute like that. Ten’s cheeks were flushed from the alcohol and he was running his slender fingers through his dark hair again and again, trying and failing to get it to stay out of his eyes. YangYang vaguely registered that Taeil and Kunhang were laughing about something, but Ten’s eyes were suddenly trained on him. The intensity in Ten’s cat-like eyes was magnetic. Even though he thought he should, YangYang couldn’t look away. Then Ten was smiling brightly and making grabby hands at him. 

“Baby YangYang! What are you going to wear?”

The tension evaporated and YangYang felt like an empty balloon for a brief second. 

“I - ” he floundered, looking at his black joggers and oversized, thrifted tee. “I don’t know,” he finished with a self-conscious chuckle. 

“Please, you’re so cute!” Ten cried, lurching forward and yanking YangYang off of the couch. “Gēge will help you.”

YangYang laughed as Ten dragged him, letting himself breathe freely again. He firmly instructed his brain to delete the data from a few moments earlier. Having a crush on Ten would be gross. Wait, crush? Where did his brain pick up ridiculous words like that?  _ ‘Crush’ is one hundred percent the wrong word _ , he thought. He just didn’t have knowledge of a word that meant: it felt like I was the only person on earth when you stared at me like that for two, maybe three, seconds. 

_ It’s just Kunhang’s teasing - making you second guess yourself _ , YangYang reasoned. He perched on the edge of his bed as Ten began picking through the clothes in YangYang’s closet.  _ If Kunhang hadn’t made jokes about me liking Ten, then I wouldn’t even be thinking this right now _ . That settled it as far as YangYang was concerned.

It turned out that YangYang wasn’t the only one having a wardrobe consultation. Ten summoned the other two into YangYang’s room immediately, informing them that they would be next. And, after some playful poking and prodding from each of his friends (mostly Ten), everyone was satisfied with YangYang’s look. 

Ten had ripped off half the fabric from an old sweater that YangYang confirmed he hadn’t worn in years, turning the hemline into a ratty crop. Horrified, YangYang protested until he saw that Ten’s plan was to layer it by putting an oversized white button down shirt underneath. “I won’t have my baby YangYang naked in the club, don’t worry,” Ten had teased. “But perhaps with time we can work our way to a full crop-top look, hm?” YangYang shook his head, blushing, as he pulled on the chunky sneakers Ten picked out to go with dark, distressed denim and the rest of the outfit. 

By taking pieces from both YangYang and Ten’s closets, Taeil and Kunhang managed to find suitable clothing as well. The three of them lounged on Ten’s bed as he rifled through his belongings, babbling excitedly about finally being able to wear something exciting. 

“Ten-gē!” Kunhang yelped, screwing his eyes shut. “Warn us! God!”

YangYang followed suit immediately and shielded his eyes with both arms. “Damn it, gēge - where are your panties?” He questioned, quoting a favorite scene from The Office. 

“It’s casual day!” Ten replied happily, picking up on the reference. “But seriously, these pants are too tight. I have to go commando.”

“Taeil hyung, how are you not mortified?” Kunhang sighed over-dramatically. 

Taeil laughed in response. “I’ve known Ten for like five years,” he said simply. “I’ve seen a lot.”

YangYang peeked out from behind his forearms. Thankfully, Ten was merely shirtless instead of fully nude as before. 

“It’s just a butt!” Ten cried, grunting slightly with the effort of sealing himself inside black, faux-leather pants. 

Kunhang gulped quietly next to YangYang. “Yeah, but I saw a glimpse of the other stuff.”

Rolling his eyes, Ten began pawing through one of his drawers, pulling out a black sheer piece. It had long sleeves and silver glitter was dispersed throughout the fabric. It wasn’t skin-tight, but YangYang could still see the shadows of Ten’s toned muscles. He pretended he couldn’t. 

“Jaehyun is here,” Taeil announced, glancing quickly at his phone. 

“Let’s go down and get him!” Kunhang pulled Taeil out of the room quickly, as if he was afraid that Ten would disrobe again. 

YangYang made himself comfortable on Ten’s bed now that he had all the space to himself, lying on his stomach and plopping his head in his hands. It was far quieter with half of the group out of the room, and YangYang became more aware of his tipsiness in the stillness. His skin burned pleasantly and his muscles felt like they were made of gum. 

He noticed that Ten hadn’t said anything for a while and looked up to see that he was leaning in towards the mirror above his dresser, carefully swiping some eyeliner onto one of his lids. “You’re good at that,” YangYang said without much thought. 

“Steady hands,” Ten supplied. He stepped back, satisfied with his work. “Want some?”

“Uh,” YangYang uttered dumbly. He couldn’t recall ever having worn makeup before. 

Ten snapped his fingers. “Wait, I have something.” He produced a small container from a box on top of the dresser. “Come here,” he beckoned. “I’ll take it off if you don’t like it.”

YangYang complied, sliding off the bed to stand in front of Ten. 

“Close your eyes.” 

YangYang did. 

The touch of Ten’s skilled fingers wasn’t featherlight like YangYang thought it might be. It was firm. But smooth and sure and steady. He could hear Ten’s breathing in the space between them as he worked. Smell the subtle twinge of alcohol in both of their breaths. He cleared his throat every few seconds just to give himself something to do. 

After several moments, YangYang felt Ten’s hand under his chin, tilting his face upward. “ _ Baobei _ ,” Ten said enthusiastically. “Look at how pretty our baby YangYang is.”

YangYang opened his eyes. Ten was now several steps away, arms crossed, admiring the finished product. Cautiously, YangYang gazed at his reflection. There was the tiniest shimmer of bronze creme coating YangYang’s eyelids. He was relieved by the subtlety of it. Mostly it just made him look tanned. 

“Uh, thanks,” YangYang mumbled, eyes darting around Ten’s room. 

Ten scoffed, giving YangYang’s shoulder a shove. “Now all of a sudden you’re quiet and minding your manners? When gēge is about to take you to the club?”

YangYang’s mouth twisted up into a grin and a loud laugh burst from his lungs. “I’m not trying to be weird, I swear!”

“Stupid baby,” Ten sighed, intertwining their fingers and leading YangYang out to the living room. 

Jaehyun had brought along his friend, both looking too much like CELINE models to let YangYang’s confidence find itself. YangYang was trying to get comfortable, squeezed in between Kunhang and Taeil in the very back of their rideshare, as he watched Ten in the seat in front of them.

“Johnny hyung,” Ten cooed, running his hands through Jaehyun’s friend’s hair. “You look so good with your hair grown out like this.”

As headlights and street lamps passed, Ten’s eyes became illuminated in the glow of the city. YangYang wondered if anyone had ever looked at him the way Ten was looking at Johnny right now. 

Johnny leaned into Ten’s touch slightly, laughing. YangYang definitely did not feel a pang of jealousy.

“Glad you like it, Tennie,” Johnny replied. “Jae thinks I look like a scarecrow.”

“I just said you could use a hydrating mask before it starts to look like straw,” Jaehyun corrected from the passenger seat.

YangYang could see an exaggerated pout adorning Ten’s silhouette. “Well it suits you much better than that jet black look with the shaved sides. You used to look like the boys from my high school that were too cool to date me.”

“Gēge, who the hell could say no to you?”

Both men turned to look at YangYang. And he was pretty sure he had caught the attention of Taeil and Kunhang as well. “Well, I mean,” YangYang stammered. The alcohol had made his tongue heavy and he could feel the weight of every nerve-wracking syllable as he tried to backtrack to a place of  _ not _ psychopathy. “I would have thought you’d be cool back then too,” he said with a shrug.

“Aw, baby YangYang!” Ten was struggling to cup YangYang’s cheeks, straining to turn backward while buckled in his seatbelt. “You’re so sweet. Don’t worry, I didn’t even ask anyone out in the first place. Too shy.”

“You? Shy?” Taeil chuckled. The rest of the older men in the car erupted in laughter. A friendly roast of Ten immediately followed.

“What was that?” Kunhang whispered, leaning close to YangYang.

YangYang turned his head somewhat to gauge his friend’s expression. He feigned a face of confusion in response to Kunhang’s raised brows. It didn’t stop Kunhang from giving YangYang a smug grin before returning to listening to the other boys’ conversation.

The club was a strange maze of rooms, decorated as if the owner was a very tasteful hoarder. YangYang subtly gaped at the color-coordinated trinkets, posters, figurines, and ornaments that were affixed to the walls. The room they were in currently, transitioned from deep blues on one side, to vibrant greens on the other. The cool-toned gradient gave YangYang the sensation of being underwater. The muffled music pouding from deeper within the building and being slightly addled from alcohol didn’t help matters.

Kunhang stayed close to YangYang as the rest of the group ordered drinks. Periodically, he rested his chin on YangYang’s shoulder. YangYang was unsure whether it was clinginess or protectiveness that prompted the action, but he was glad for it regardless. It helped him feel grounded.

“Kids,” Johnny jeered playfully, extending glasses to the two of them.

This earned him a small smack from Ten, who shot back, “Only  _ I _ can baby my babies.”

Johnny insisted he was kidding, but it didn’t make YangYang despise him any less. He accepted the drink that was being offered to him, anyway, taking a lengthy sip. “Twenty-one isn’t even that young,” he grumbled into his glass.

“You okay?” This came from Kunhang, also sampling his drink and looking at YangYang with his head tilted curiously. 

“Yeah - I just...it feels really fucking cramped in here.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

Ten overheard and tugged on Kunhang’s sleeve. “The main room is much bigger,” he said sympathetically, softly locking eyes with YangYang for a moment. “Let’s go, babies.”

They passed through a couple more rooms on the way, one painted in all black with glowing planets and stars adorning the ceiling, and another that was covered entirely in license plates. YangYang felt like a clumsy duckling, being led by motherly Ten, who kept glancing back to make sure the group was still together. 

The space opened up considerably past the license plate room and YangYang felt his lungs expand to a comfortable capacity once again. Once inside, it was obvious that this area had been put together with dancing in mind. The center of the room was completely empty and covered in shiny hardwood, while mirror after mirror covered the walls. Mirrored surfaces of all shapes, sizes, aesthetics, and colors had been carefully organized so as to reflect light and moving bodies, but not confuse the eye in a carnival fun-housey kind of way.

They managed to keep together as a group for about ten minutes, dancing in a small circle and whirling each other around in as many goofy ways as possible. Ten braved the center of their enclosure a few times, dropping to the floor dramatically or showcasing his flexibility in some insane contortions - always met with cheers and/or encouraging smacks on the ass from one or more of their group.

Eventually, a boyishly handsome stranger asked Taeil for a dance, and Taeil, charmed by the man’s insane cheekbones and adorable giggle, accepted. And, thankfully, YangYang was able to abandon his jealousy of Johnny (not at all because he didn’t want him gazing lovingly at Ten again or anything), but because not long after Taeil slipped away with his new dance partner, Johnny was whispering things in Jaehyun’s ear and sweetly stroking his hair.

“I didn’t know they were a thing,” Kunhang said, discreetly nodding in their direction. 

“They can’t really be ‘cause Jae’s parents,” Ten supplied, finishing off the last of his drink. “But they know they’re okay here. With us, you know.”

YangYang suddenly felt like an asshole. He didn’t have a great reason to, since he wasn’t  _ directly _ unpleasant to Johnny. But, still. He watched Jaehyun slip an arm around Johnny’s neck, laughing at something he said. Now he felt like an asshole  _ and _ slightly depressed. YangYang didn’t feel it was his place to pry for details, plus Ten had gone back to jokingly grinding on Kunhang, so he kept his thoughts to himself. The world was shitty to everyone. It was an odd reverie to have in the middle of a dancefloor, but otherwise fitting for people in his age group, he supposed. Aren’t one’s twenties supposed to be filled with life changing revelations?

It was difficult to be sad for much longer, though, with so much dancing and laughing and singing along with club hits from the eighties and nineties. Not to mention Ten’s smile. It was so bright and infectious. YangYang could cry from looking at it, and thanked whatever gods he could think of that Ten had convinced them to go out. 

“You should be a dancer, Kunhang!” Ten’s eyes were wide with elation, as if he thought himself a revolutionary for noticing a friend’s talent. YangYang loved to see it.

Kunhang snorted out a laugh and maintained that he was just drunk and not at all capable of anything resembling dancing when he was sober. YangYang delightedly watched their playful back-and-forth until Kunhang announced that he needed some air.

Before he left the room, he tugged YangYang in close for a moment. “I’m not going to third-wheel anymore tonight.” YangYang’s mouth dropped open to protest, but Kunghang continued, “He’s been looking at you, too, Yang.” He leaned back, holding onto YangYang’s forearm. Through the mischievous expression in Kunhang’s eyes, there was a kind of knowing. He raised his brows and shrugged, sliding away into the crowd, leaving YangYang floating without a liferaft. 

He wasn’t allowed much time to process. Ten immediately grabbed YangYang’s hands. Saying nothing, Ten guided them to the music, occasionally spinning YangYang. Shy giggles between them quickly became laughs that knocked their knees out from underneath them and they had to take turns supporting each other.

YangYang refused to give himself space to be nervous. If he liked Ten, then he liked Ten. Not the end of the world. He watched the sparkling reflection of the room shift in Ten’s dark eyes, feeling only the good kind of butterflies. Maybe he just had a friend crush on Ten, he reasoned, and once they got closer then all the other unnecessary stuff would fade away. Like the urge to nuzzle into Ten’s slender neck, smell his hair products, and drag his bottom lip slowly across his skin…

Suddenly, Ten was slinking his arms around YangYang’s neck, his movements melding with a shift in the music. YangYang almost choked on his own spit.

“You gonna do anything with those?” Ten cocked his head toward one of YangYang’s hands, swinging limply at his side. There were plenty of things he  _ wanted _ to do. He just didn’t have  _ Ten _ levels of confidence.

YangYang’s brain was struggling to find the pathway to his mouth. “I - ”

“We’re just dancing, baby,” Ten said gently. He squeezed the edge of YangYang’s jaw briefly, flashing a loving smile.

“I don’t wanna mess up your shirt,” YangYang exclaimed, unable to prevent a self-conscious smile from stretching his lips. He held up his palms, decorated with numerous scrapes from climbing. “It...it will catch,” he stammered, gesturing to the mesh of Ten’s top.

Ten rolled his eyes comically. “Then put them here,” he supplied, yanking YangYang’s hands and securing them on his hips. “Stupid baby.”

YangYang had heard Ten disparage himself more times than he could feasibly count. Though Ten could speak five or six languages relatively fluently, he insisted he wasn’t ‘book smart’. Anytime he got tripped up by something, the self-deprecating jokes came immediately afterward.  _ ‘I’m just a dumb bitch’ _ or  _ ‘Thinking really isn’t my thing,’ _ followed by an exaggerated wink and giggle. It was part of Ten’s brand.

Though YangYang had never explicitly corrected him, he hadn’t once ever believed that Ten wasn’t exceptionally brilliant. Tonight, however, YangYang was more tempted than ever to agree with Ten’s analysis. For no other reason than this: he became convinced that the majority of Ten’s intelligence was dedicated to understanding the body.

He had never encountered someone so in tune with their movement. It seemed that Ten was hyper aware of the smallest gestures, the subtlest breath. YangYang’s body shifted and Ten’s filled the empty space left behind. Ten’s fingers brushed against YangYang’s hip and he yielded, letting himself be pushed and pulled by Ten’s warm current. The humidity of the dance floor, the alcohol softening his muscles - he surrendered to them as well.

Too soon, Johnny was laying a kind hand on Ten’s shoulder, informing the pair of them that it was getting late and that he had ordered a car for all of them. Truthfully, YangYang had hardly any clue how long he and Ten had been left alone, but it was enough to leave an intense aching in his chest.  _ More, more, _ his mind pleaded as the group, reunited once again, waited on the curb for their ride.

Ten’s arm was linked with his, and though he wasn’t processing much of what he said, YangYang registered that Ten was sweetly cooing over him, stroking his hair as if he were fragile and precious. As he’d done inside the club, YangYang entrusted his body to Ten. His head left Ten’s shoulder only to enter and exit the vehicle. Their hands only separated during the few seconds that it took Ten to unlock the door to their apartment.

“Put on comfy clothes, okay?”

_ Ten is in my room _ , he realized with a kind of high school crush giddiness.

There was a sudden laugh. “Yes, I’m in your room, weirdo.”

YangYang must have said that bit out loud then. Oops.

“YangYang!” Ten laughed again. “Put on some pajamas so we can go to bed.”

Moments later, he found himself in Ten’s room, having successfully gotten out of his jeans and into a cozy sweatshirt and joggers. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and, actually having a moment to indulge in stillness, felt the room start spinning slowly.

Ten’s body came into his field of vision, accompanied by a bottle of water. “Drink,  _ baobei _ .” YangYang happily obeyed, gulping it down until he couldn’t breathe. “Better?”

YangYang nodded blearily before collapsing back onto Ten’s mattress. “You can put me to bed now,” he murmured. 

“What do you think I’m doing?” There was only a hint of sass behind Ten’s gentle tone as he guided YangYang to the side of the bed closest to the wall. It put a smile on YangYang’s tired lips. 

The last thing he felt before gifting his consciousness to sleep, was Ten’s steady breathing as he aligned the curve of their bodies. Ten’s chin resting on the top of his head. Ten’s arm curving around his own, hand gently clinging to his shoulder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to come find me on instagram as well! my username there is @/yutasecret__
> 
> thank you for reading!


	3. three. // ten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! i am putting it out there that i am desperate for beta readers!! i have a few, but a lot of folks who initially said they would beta read for me ended up having other time commitments and felt too overwhelmed (totally understandable). so if you have interest in reading for me and have some free time to spare, please dm me on twitter @__yutasercret! if you don't have twitter but are still into the idea, leave a comment here and we will coordinate. thanks so much y'all! xoxo

It had been a good week, but Ten felt his familiar sadness creeping back up again. 

Since their outing, Ten had allowed himself to be extra clingy with his roommate. YangYang didn’t seem to mind, either. It was like a thin veil between them had dissolved. Their shared world felt warmer, friendlier. More often now, Ten adoringly ruffled YangYang’s hair while he cooked ramen or played his Switch on the couch. He offered YangYang warm towels straight out of the dryer and laid his head on YangYang’s stomach as they watched dramas in his room. Ten had spent the last few days mentally cheering.  _ Advanced friendship level: unlocked!  _

But today, YangYang had holed himself up in the local library to work on his resume and research some internships in the area, so the apartment was empty and still. It made Ten want to stay in his room. Almost as if the loneliness wouldn’t be so bad if he was in a smaller space. Like he would be able to hold himself together using the weight of his bed and Netflix.

However, Ten’s usual favorite sources of entertainment weren’t doing anything to improve his mood. He kept switching to different movies and shows, going through his mental list of feel-good media. They were all falling gravely short today.

Ten sighed deeply, extending a hand from underneath his comforter to pause  _ Ten Things I Hate About You _ . He stayed motionless, eyes lingering on the still frame of Katerina explaining to her father why she wanted to attend an east coast university. There was a moment where he wished he could feel as motivated as her, a productive spark sputtering to life in his mind. Then, just like that, it was gone. Ten went back to feeling sorry for himself.

Unsure what possessed him to do it, about half an hour later, Ten was looking at a blank text box with Taeyong’s name attached. Several months ago, he had deleted their entire thread of conversation in the name of self-growth and healing.  _ Why’d you do that, stupid? _ He wanted everything back.

Ten couldn’t remember exactly what he had said the last time he’d seen Taeyong. But he remembered enough to know that it hadn’t been kind. Normally by this point, he would be shaking with quiet sobs, overcome with grief for what had been lost. Instead, he was merely ashamed of the way he had allowed them to part.

Even though he told himself that sending a message was the considerate thing to do, Ten knew deep down that it was actually just two parts selfish. Selfish for wanting to restore his image and selfish for wanting to preserve any potential future with Taeyong.

**Today, 4:33pm  
** _ i really hope youre not out there thinking that i hate you. i know thats probably how i made you feel, but i promise that i dont and that i could never. _

He wanted to keep writing. Go into detail and delve into an extravagant apology, crucifying himself as a gift for Taeyong. As he was mulling over how best to strip himself completely bare in a follow-up text, his phone vibrated gently where it rested on his chest.

**yong** **💙** (4:39pm): i would never think that, ok? you didn’t say anything that i didn’t fully deserve

Ten cradled his phone in his palms as he read the words so many times that his vision started to blur. Nearly shaking, he reached for his glasses on the bedside table. He scanned Taeyong’s response once more before he started typing.

**Tennie!** (4:44pm): i dont know why but i didnt think youd respond  
**Tennie!** (4:45pm): i mostly just wanted to say sorry i guess

**yong** **💙** (4:47pm): you don’t need to be sorry. i’ve been wanting to check in on you for a while but i didn’t want to overstep any boundaries :/ 

The tears that formed in Ten’s eyes were fully self-indulgent. He felt so validated it  _ hurt _ . Of course Taeyong had been worried about him. As he should be. Especially after the way they ended. A weird sort of relief swept over Ten as he came to terms with the fact that Taeyong had accepted the invitation to his pity party.

**yong** **💙** (4:56pm): are you okay?

**Tennie!** (4:57pm): sry - i was just trying to think of what to say next  
**Tennie!** (4:57pm): ...and crying

**yong** **💙** (4:59pm): i really want to say sorry, but it doesn’t feel like nearly enough.

**Tennie!** (5:00pm): dont feel bad please  
**Tennie!** (5:01pm): you really were doing the best thing for yourself

**yong** **💙** (5:04pm): but fuck i really owe you more than what i gave you. Maybe owe isn’t the right word, but you definitely deserve so much better ten. god

Every movie he had watched, book he had read, and anecdote he had heard would probably tell him that what he was about to do would bring him nothing but more pain. But people have a beautiful way of telling themselves that their own lives are never like those stories. And, if they are, it will go differently for them. And if it doesn’t, then it will be worth it. Humans are very skilled at telling themselves these lies, and Ten, of course, was no exception.

**Tennie!** (5:06pm): can you pls just come over? i have so much i wanna say

Taeyong’s gray text bubble flashed and disappeared so many times that Ten was sure he was going to experience cardiac arrest long before his age dictated that he should. 

**yong** **💙** (5:10pm): are you sure?

**Tennie!** (5:11pm): yeah

**yong** **💙** (5:12pm): then here i come

Ten had gotten used to hearing how overly sensitive people found him to be. Since grade school he had friends telling him that his feelings got hurt too easily and that he should take things more lightly. He tried for a while. 

But it didn’t feel good. Like he was clogging up a part of himself that emotions needed to flow through freely. Sure, he could be cold and calculated when he wanted to be. That didn’t mean that he didn’t need to fall apart sometimes too, damn it. 

That was where Taeyong came in and became a perpetual weak spot for Ten. Taeyong felt his feelings hard too, like Ten - and, as such, never insinuated that Ten should suck it up or get over it. Taeyong had let Ten sob in his arms countless times. He would stroke his hair and offer to order boba as a pick-me-up. It had made it close to impossible to let the relationship go.

Ten suddenly sprung into action. Taeyong was coming to his fucking house.

He hadn’t showered all day and immediately felt grimy. He took shallow, panicked breaths as he scrubbed his skin under the spray of water, the gears of his mind nearly overheating trying to keep pace with the speed of his thoughts. 

After they had returned the last of each other’s borrowed possessions, it had been several months since Ten had laid eyes on Taeyong. There were moments of weakness, of course, like when Ten would log into Jaehyun’s instagram account and use it to stalk Taeyong’s feed. Taeyong didn’t use social media much, but his internship tagged him in photos every now and then. Ten would have private sessions of worship over those posts - admiring the joy in Taeyong’s eyes as he held up exotic plants or intricate bouquets, rich with earthy tones. Ten wasn’t religious, but he believed Taeyong had come from a magic place.

The dark circles under Ten’s eyes stared back at him as he took in the state of his fresh face in the mirror’s reflection. He slapped on moisturizer and considered the small tube of concealer next to it in the drawer. Instead of smoothing some under his eyes, he shut the drawer.  _ No use in hiding _ , he thought,  _ I’m guaranteed to cry at some point anyway _ .

His hair was still wet to the point of dripping when he opened the door to a slightly shivering Taeyong a few minutes later.

Taeyong’s lips flattened into a straight-lined grimace, causing his cheeks to do That Cute Thing. “It’s very cold out,” he said simply.

Stupidly, Ten’s bottom lip quivered. He hoped Taeyong hadn’t noticed. “Come in,” he said, shuffling out of the doorway so Taeyong could walk through.

They stood awkwardly for a moment after Taeyong slipped off his shoes, just glancing over each other’s faces as if they were taking emotional inventory. Seeing if things were the same as they’d left them. Taeyong had freshly dyed his hair, and it was now the deep emerald of a stormy sea. Ten imagined Taeyong as a cursed siren - pulling people into his orbit with no intention to harm, but destroying them piece by beautiful piece anyway.

“Weird to hug?” Taeyong asked.

Ten shook his head, stepping closer. Taeyong read his movements and gently opened his arms. At first, Ten innocently rested his chin on Taeyong’s shoulder, staring blankly ahead. The initial tension passed, and Ten felt Taeyong’s breath pushing nicely against his chest. As Taeyong’s hands smoothed over Ten’s tee shirt, he used his palms to coax Ten closer. At home again after only mere moments, Ten turned his head, tucking his face into Taeyong’s soft neck.

But, before he had the chance to start crying, Ten pulled away. “We can go sit in my room,” he offered.

“Okay.” Taeyong’s mouth quirked up with a hint of a smile and Ten’s heart lurched.  _ Siren _ .

Taeyong sat gingerly on the edge of the bed as Ten quickly tossed stray sweaters and underwear into his overflowing closet. When Ten looked back at Taeyong, he could see the impression of a wet patch where he’d just laid his head on Taeyong’s shoulder. The image loosened some memories of Taeyong playfully scolding him for getting their pillows wet after washing his hair.

“I feel like starting with ‘how are you’ is loaded,” Ten sighed, seating himself toward the top of his mattress, “But I don’t really know where else to start?”

“Agreed.” Taeyong turned, pulling his legs up onto the bed. “Uh - I’ve been going to therapy.”

“That’s really good,” Ten said honestly.

Taeyong smiled softly. “I’ve...definitely got a ways to go. But, it’s a good step. It feels good.”

Ten nodded, unsure how to proceed.

“How are you, though?” Taeyong questioned.

Biting his lip, he let his eyes go out of focus for a moment. “Not the best,” he admitted. “Turns out it takes a lot out of you when someone tells you they don’t love you anymore.”

“Ten - ”

“I’m sorry,” Ten grimaced. “That sounded so much harsher than it did in my head.”

“Like I said,” Taeyong said resolutely, “I don’t think you could say anything to me that I don’t already think I deserve.”

Something in Ten’s mind slipped, and he was back in Taeyong’s apartment almost a year ago. He’d joked that Taeyong felt far away at the time, and then, after seeing the terror in Taeyong’s eyes, realized that Taeyong  _ was _ far away.  _ ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Tennie.’ _ There had been countless heart-wrenching conversations in the months that followed, but ultimately they agreed they just couldn’t stay together. They couldn’t be Ten and Taeyong if Taeyong...wasn’t Taeyong.

“It’s just - everything just felt...so cliched,” Ten lamented.

Taeyong leaned forward, putting a hand on Ten’s thigh. “That’s because it  _ was _ cliche, baby.”

Ten flinched slightly at the name. “Is...shouldn’t you - why did you call me that?”

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong said earnestly, pulling his hand away. “It’s a reflex.”

“No,” Ten began, clearing his throat. Taeyong was looking away, staring serenely at the floor. Though Taeyong had the face of a sweet angel, his side profile was cut like anything but holy. There was a sharpness in Taeyong if you knew what to look for. And the urge to sin usually came along with it. “I meant like…” Ten continued, shifting on his mattress. “Is it ‘cause you like,  _ wanna  _ call me that?”

The deep pull of Taeyong’s eyes were suddenly fully focused on Ten. There was nothing but their breathing for several weighted moments.

“I - I think I do, yeah.”

Not so deep down, Ten  _ knew _ that he put Taeyong on a pedestal. Even though he had come to realize that Taeyong was just as capable of causing pain as any other person, Ten still kept him up there. The person gazing intently back at him right now was the one Ten imagined when he heard dreamy, lilting ballads on his Spotify shuffle. He was spun sugar - melting on Ten’s tongue and leaving him feeling both whole and desperate for more. Taeyong was everything Ten imagined him to be because Ten gave him that power. Willingly.

“You’re what they write about in love stories,” Ten chuckled. Tears stung the corners of his eyes; his liquid prize for loving Taeyong so fiercely.

Taeyong sighed, the sound unsteady and wet with tears yet to spill. “I wish that were true,” he whispered. “Then I wouldn’t hurt you all the time.”

“Please - ” It was a full, hearty laugh that burst from Ten. “You know I’m a masochist.”

Taeyong laughed as well, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. “What I couldn’t give you in the bedroom, I gave to you in heartbreak.”

“Why couldn’t you just try slapping me, Yong?”

“Ugh!” Taeyong groaned, leaning over and putting his face in his hands. The small rose tattoo near his thumb shifted and stretched as he massaged his temples. “I’m too - I could never - ”

Ten placed a gentle hand on Taeyong’s forearm. “I know you couldn’t. It’s just a joke, honey.” Before he could stop it, the pet name slipped out. “Old habits really  _ do _ die hard,” he added.

He heard Taeyong swallow, keeping his face hidden. The arm that Ten had his hand on extended across the blankets, reaching out blindly. “I’m  _ so _ sorry, Tennie.”

“You were just trying to get better,” Ten soothed, taking Taeyong’s hand in both of his own. He ran his fingers over the little tattoo, the color faded significantly from what it must have looked like when Taeyong got it on his eighteenth birthday. “You’re going to get better, and then you’re really going to be a force to be reckoned with.”

“Ha,” Taeyong chuckled mirthlessly. “A force to be reckoned with, indeed.” He flopped over, lying on his side and staring down at the comforter. “Look at the destruction I’ve left in my wake.”

Ten wanted to correct him, but having felt like he’d been flattened by a semi-truck for the last half a year or so, couldn’t come up with anything encouraging to say.

“I should get  _ ‘I’m sorry’  _ tattooed on my arm,” Taeyong continued, “So that I can just hold it out to you every few minutes.”

“Where on your arm?”

Taeyong met Ten’s eyes briefly, then tugged on his jacket sleeve, exposing his forearm. “Here, probably,” he said, the hint of a smile in his words. He pointed to the underside of his forearm. “Right in the middle. In big, bold font. Because I suck.”

“You don’t suck.” Ten ran his fingers across Taeyong’s skin. He pulled Taeyong’s arm closer, leaning down to press a soft kiss where Taeyong’s imaginary tattoo was drawn.

“Ten.” 

Ten glanced up slowly. Taeyong’s eyes were closed, his expression soft. Tentatively, he placed another two, three, four kisses, next to the first one. He could hear a taut sigh in each of Taeyong’s breaths.

“Ten, we - ” Taeyong’s words came out as a pant, leaving his mouth slurred and hushed.

“I know,” Ten supplied, speaking against Taeyong’s skin. “We’re not together.”

He heard Taeyong’s mouth open a second time, the start of an apology getting lost in a hushed groan. 

“It’s okay,” Ten assured him, running his lips along Taeyong’s soft skin. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

“But I - ”

“Can I say some things that might help you feel better?” Ten lifted his face away as he posed the question, giving Taeyong space.

Taeyong’s shining eyes loomed up at Ten, the softest pout adorning his lips as he nodded.

Ten took a deep breath. “Something about seeing you here - right now,” he began, “Makes everything click for me.” He glanced down at his own hands, placing them in his lap, feeling too vulnerable under Taeyong’s sympathetic gaze. “I remember you saying all these things to me. How it didn’t mean that you didn’t love me, or that the last thing you wanted to do was...abandon me. But, it wasn’t really until I had time to be on my own that now I recognize - or, like - understand, what you were doing. It wasn’t actually selfish of you at all…”

At some point during his small monologue, Taeyong had sat up and inched towards Ten’s spot on the bed. Taeyong’s arms looped around Ten’s waist as he finished his thought: “...it was self _ less _ . You did everything with me in mind.” The words came out whispered, Ten’s voice hoarse from being on the edge of tears.

“I’m not a saint,” Taeyong said quietly, “I just think you deserve the best.”

Ten gave in once again, and returned Taeyong’s embrace. Their grip on one another was strong and assured - two people equally determined to keep the other glued together. Their fingertips dug into the fabric of their clothing. Their arms nearly shook with the effort of pulling each other close.

“Please,” Ten said. He didn’t even know what he was asking for.

Then, Taeyong was pushing himself up into Ten’s lap, his legs wrapping around Ten. “Shh,” he soothed, cradling Ten’s head in his hand, stroking his hair. For a moment, Taeyong leaned back, locking eyes with Ten as he ran a thumb under Ten’s eye.

“Oh,” Ten breathed, “I’m crying.”

Taeyong laughed softly. “It’s okay.”

Ten’s hands had naturally settled on Taeyong’s hips and the familiarity of Taeyong’s lithe body underneath denim was enough to make Ten’s mind go hazy. “Should we..?” Ten felt that his chest had been encased in cling-wrap; there was so much tension in these few square inches of the world.

“It’s…” Taeyong fumbled over the word. “I - um. It’s…”

“Please just say you wanna stay up there as much as I want you to.”

Another beautiful chuckle from Taeyong. “Well, how much do you want me to?”

Ten huffed, tone playful with mock frustration. “Very badly, Mr. Lee.”

“Then, yeah,” Taeyong answered, running a hand through Ten’s hair. “Yeah, it’s the same amount.”

A few collective breaths kept them silent and expectant for a moment before Ten spoke again. “But?”

Taeyong furrowed his brow. “But what?”

“But…” Ten subtly massaged into Taeyong’s hip bones, watching a slight ripple disturb Taeyong’s calm expression as he did so. “Shouldn’t we be like  _ ‘this doesn’t mean anything blah blah’ _ before I let you stick your tongue down my throat?”

“Ten!” Taeyong fidgeted in Ten’s grasp, sending Ten into a small fit of laughter. “Who said I’m sticking my tongue down your throat?”

“Your eyes did!”

Taeyong snorted, settling back into their embrace. “Okay, okay,” he admitted. “They did.”

“Well?” Ten asked, stretching the word out as he leaned into Taeyong. His lips tentatively explored the skin under Taeyong’s jaw.

“Fuck you, Ten,” Taeyong spat jokingly. “You make me feel like I’m a dumb nineteen year old again. Can’t think with you like that.”

“We dated last year, dumb bitch. And you definitely weren’t nineteen,” Ten quipped, but ultimately, mercifully pulled away from Taeyong’s neck.

“As far as this  _ ‘not meaning anything,’ _ like you said,” Taeyong sighed, reaching down to intertwine their fingers absentmindedly. “It  _ can _ mean something, you know. Like, without it being an expectation that we’ll...”

“...get back together?” Ten finished.

“Yeah. It sounds harsh I guess - ”

“No,” Ten came to his defense before Taeyong could try to pummel himself. “It’s just not what we need right now. I understand what you’re saying.”

Taeyong smiled sheepishly down at their hands. “Then can I take my coat off now? It’s uncomfortable.”

Ten cracked another resonant laugh, tilting his head back. The feeling of being whole and alive swirled around him. “Are we taking off other things, too?” he asked pointedly.

“Duh,” Taeyong groaned, working at yanking off his jacket. “I just thought starting with the jacket would be a good icebreaker.”

“Considering that I’ve been dangerously close to complimenting your pheromones,” Ten confessed, burying his face in Taeyong’s neck again. “I think the ice was broken several minutes ago.”

Taeyong took Ten’s face in his hands, staring at him sweetly. “My pheromones?”

“Yeah, you smell good, honey.” Ten tilted his head to place a quick peck on Taeyong’s hand.

When he looked back up, there was that look in Taeyong’s eyes that Ten had no way of describing. It was close to admiration, but that word wasn’t enough. “You’re seriously that whipped from me saying that you smell good?”

“Shut up,” Taeyong smiled. And, finally, Ten got the kiss he’d been waiting on for months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! don't forget to let me know if you're down to beta read for me! it would mostly be chapters of this fic for the moment, but i have lots of other works planned including a Yumark piece that is my entire heart and soul. depending on how organized i can get, i may or may not take a week off from uploading so just keep that in mind. have a great week, all! xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> pls enjoy my humble contribution to the tenyang tag and look for future uploads!


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